When I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and learned I would need surgery to remove my anus along with other areas the chemo and radiation didn’t fully treat I had no idea what was ahead of me. There was no roadmap, no clear picture of what life would look like on the other side.
In some ways, I felt fortunate. I was, and still am, married to a man I deeply love. Our relationship has always been about more than sex, and that gave me a sense of stability during a time when everything else felt uncertain. But even with that foundation, I struggled. Not just physically, but with my identity.
I started asking myself questions I never thought I would have to face. Would I still feel like myself? Would I still feel confident in my own skin? Something as simple and personal as enjoying being nude on a hot day by the pool suddenly felt complicated. It may sound small, but those moments mattered to me. They were part of how I experienced freedom and joy. And now I wondered… was that something I had to give up?
At first, my mind went straight to the worst-case scenarios. The “what ifs.” The “what will people think?” thoughts. I even joked to myself, picturing that infamous Caddyshack scene with the Baby Ruth bar in the pool. Was that really how people would see me now? Would I need to hide myself away, covered up, trying to avoid attention?
But over time, I realized something important: those thoughts weren’t helping me they were holding me back.
The turning point came when I made a decision to accept the changes and, more importantly, to be kind to myself. Truly kind. Not just in words, but in how I allowed myself to think and feel. Once I started letting go of the noise the fear, the assumptions, the self-doubt I began to relax into who I was becoming.
And that’s when it clicked.
I am no different now than I was before cancer. Just like when I came out as a gay man years ago, the core of who I am didn’t change. My life shifted, yes. Some things are different. But I am still me.
Once I embraced that, things started to fall back into place. Not perfectly, not all at once but steadily. There are still hurdles. There always will be. But I trust myself now. I know I’ll face them the same way I always have by moving forward, learning, growing, and continuing to give back.
If you’re walking a similar path, here’s what I want you to know: trust the process. Give yourself the time and space to heal. Allow yourself to feel everything but don’t stay stuck there. You are still the same person you were before.
And if you’re out there dating or trying to connect with others, just be honest. Be yourself. The right people will see you, respect you, and value you. And if someone can’t handle your truth, that’s not your burden to carry.
You are still whole.
You are still worthy.
You are still you.
Be kind to yourself.
Read more: Finding Yourself Again